The Untold Stories

(Edward Cullen!)

I still remember very clearly how I posted an entry here regarding some tips on getting scholarship after SPM, and a short sneak peek on how's it like to be attending Preparatory School to go to Japan... and fast forward I am already a fourth-year student here, which means my last year as an undergraduate student. If things go well with my final year project, I will graduate next spring; approximately in February or March 2025.

Honestly saying, I don't know about how university system in Malaysia works, but here in Japan, every university's system is different from the others. To start off, it is common that undergraduate needs at least four years (that's the same with Japan). But we have those requirements which need to be achieved in order to proceed the year of studies. Like for example, in my case, I need to pass Technical Drawing and also Lab Session during my second year to be a third-year student... If I were to fail these two subjects, I shall repeat the subject and unable to proceed to be a third-year student until I pass those. These requirements are actually torturing somehow, but... I must say, fun (hahaha)

Oh, and we need to obtain at least a certain number of credits to be able to graduate, which I guess the same as Malaysia? Though, most of the universities here require their students to obtain like 120-ish credits for graduate. Mine is 124 credits.

で、無事に4年生になった。

Translation: So, I made it to the fourth grade.

Glad to be saying that I passed all the required subjects to be entering my fourth year and managed to obtain all the credits needed to graduate except for my research and presentation subject which I need to attend this semester (this year). Hence, my schedule for this semester and next semester will be very loose. But thing is, as I am already starting to do research for my Final Year Project (FYP), I try to show up every day to my research lab even though there is nothing to do on that day. People often address me as a hardworking one but I am doing the bare minimum ??

So yeah. Two months in- it wasn't this busy actually, but I have mid-term presentation in less than two weeks, JLPT (did I mention I'll sit for N1 this July?) in a month, and also busy finding jobs and touching up my resume (??) Surprise !! I think the last one is a bit surprising, to me too because I didn't even dream about to settle down in Japan before. It just came to me like, poof! I woke up a day and decided to give it a try finding job here before actually coming back to Malaysia. Let's see how it goes, though.

Being a fourth-year student in Japanese University means you should already have plans for your future. Either to go for job hunting, or to pursue Masters. For real. Everyone here is busy during their 4th year going for job hunting or taking extra subjects to cover their master's studies later.... Maybe I am a little bit fomo here that I end up decided to go for job hunting too LOL just kidding.

Side note: fomo = fear of missing out

Anyways, I had this conversation with my Japanese friend where she pointed out, "it will be such a waste for you (me) to be able to speak Japanese to this level but going back so soon and forget about this language". It actually hit me hard. I thought about that too. Which also one of the reasons I want to give it a try on finding job here. If I fail to get any offers, I will gladly come back home though hahaha. Why don't we try our luck?

But then, there are still a lot of things to be considered. Especially being away from your family for so long. Not gonna lie, I always make my time to visit them every semester break, but it is just.... being away thousands of kilometers away. So hard, I must say. Also, the loneliness of having less people to talk here. I mean, if we are to compare Malaysians in Japan and Malaysians in the UK.. I must say it is easier to find Malaysians living in the UK than Japan. (correct me if I'm wrong, though). The language... and culture too. But you know, I am up to any challenges, and I think it is better to gain some experiences working here before coming back, serving for my home. Tapi, tengok la macam mana sebab dah start job hunting pun lambat saya pun tak yakin untuk secure job sebelum graduasi huhu

Think I talked too much this night. Wish me luck for my mid-term presentation (I'm going to do it in Japanese hihu) thank you for dropping by!

Have a nice day ahead! Or sweet dreams <3

Yours sincerely, floostar.

Hehe hello everyone, it has been months! My last update was in May 2023 and it's already February 2024; how fast time flies! I have a lot to write but the thing is, it really takes a lot to pour my thoughts here. Anyway, here's a reflection of what have I achieved in 2023. I have always underestimated myself; I mean, all of us tend to think this way. We often appreciate ourselves less, even when we have achieved a lot because we struggle to see our accomplishments from an external perspective. Believe me, if we could view ourselves through the eyes of others, we would realize just how much we have grown over time.

Well, as for me, if I would like to pick up three things which are obvious to me, they would be－ running, playing ukulele, and videographing. I kind of developed my interests towards these three things especially last year (2023) and it does amaze me A LOT to see my growth through my interests.

Started off with running, as stated on my previous post (May 2023) I was heading towards 40 km (running mileage) in a month... and by the end of 2023, to be specific October, November and December, I casually hit 100++ km. I know my May 2023 self won't be expecting this but yes, I did it! I slowed down a lot during each sessions and it eventually helped me to be a better runner (sounds cringe but hehe) The furthest I've ran in 2023 is a solid 15 km! And I am aiming to be able to run a half marathon by this summer (manifesting).

Playing ukulele... I actually picked this one up during December 2022 but I kind of practiced a lot too throughout this year, and I am able to play a lot of songs as long as they're transposed into easier chords, and I'll just pair them with suitable strumming pattern. I did struggle in the beginning of 2023 to strum + sing at the same time, but as time passed, I've overcome that hurdle; and now I can strum along while singing with ease HEHEHEHE

The last one is quite funny though about how I suddenly have the urge to record things. Nope, I have always been recording things since forever but 2023 is PEAK. I learned to especially "produce" cinematic kind of look in my videos. Also, a little bit of color grading though I only use Capcut. I used to colorgrad on Adobe Premiere Pro but I kind of leaning towards mobilegraphy so I want to minimize transferring time hence I do most of my work on solely my iPhone. If you're curious and want to check them out, I've shared some on my YouTube channel, under the name floostar. Feel free to take a peek ><.

Looking back at these things, I realized that I have actually did something in 2023.. And I am eager to be better in everything I do. Here's to striving towards a better self!

I think that's all for now, hope you guys can see and appreciate your achievements too; because achievements are still achievements, big or small! Till next time x

Yours sincerely, floostar.

Hello there! A little update of life, am currently a third year student in uni and this year isn't the same like previous years; I was busy collecting credits. But now, there are just some credits that I have to obtained in order to graduate so I have more time to spend with myself every day. Like, the most subjects I have in one day is only four- which is Thursday, and the rest will be like one or two subjects in each day, hehe. Couldn't ask for more, this is the most ideal timetable I've ever arranged in university life.

Talking about more time to be spent with myself, I am currently in a phase of having an obsession towards increasing jogging (or maybe running) mileage. I started to consistently jog this year by the way. But I didn't have chance to jog when I was in Malaysia during March huhu hence the monthly mileage was 0 km. Proceeding into April, fasting month- only a few km but it is always better than 0, right? May is my peak! Currently at my 39th km, and still have three days left to enter June. Maybe I'll hit 40+ km...

apps: Nike Run Club

I don't really have "realistic" goals to be consistent in jogging. People often go out jogging to lose some weights but the thing is I am already so petite and small that I don't think that it's good to lose some weights hahah. But I realized that I love to connect with nature, explore my neighborhood, so I think those will be enough to keep myself consistent going out for jogging. As a beginner, I started off with 1-2 km before and now I can jog for 6 km without taking a break. I am aiming for 10 km without break this year though.

Also, I don't really post to public but these days I've been into trying to do cover songs on ukulele. My favorite one so far－ Count on Me by Bruno Mars. Because of its tempo and I like singing happy songs on the uke. For sadder song... I would go with Indonesian song; Bukan Salah Jodoh. I've been picking up on uke since December 2022, and till now I am familiar with almost 10 chords I guess? And I'm able to strum the most basic strumming pattern and most of the songs can be played with this, Island Strum! :D

May is good. More time spent outside, more time spent on uke, and also more time spent with friends. Not to be cringed but I am appreciating those time I am having with my friends *peace*. To recap, May is full of activities during weekend; sometimes we watch movies, played bowling or maybe karaoke, and then taiikukan session (read: play badminton, volleyball, basketball, etc). I love this.

taiikukan session. photo credit to kak tyra :)

And I hope, every month in this year will be like May.... I will be missing May so much. Thank you for being so enjoyable <3

Hi fellas! It has been a long time, huh... I've always wanted to write more in this space but I just don't have the urge to spend my time here. I don't really care if people pay attention to my writing though, in fact, I would be really humbled to the earth (read: shy) if those people in real life found me ranting here because I think my writing just doesn't reflect who I am in reality. Well, if you are one of my mutuals or we had met before, just keep reading, don't tell me anything or, let's pretend that irl me isn't the same person haha.

Life is just great lately, and I've spent most of my leisure time watching TikTok as I am currently on my semester break. If you are on TikTok too, you will understand how TikTok's algorithm works, and fun fact! My For You Page (FYP) isn't fixed to any... Sometimes, it'd be Japanese content, or maybe some Jedag Jedug rempit content :') And lately, most of them will be English content. I am not complaining though, as each of those gives me input, and helps me reflect on who I am. As for the answer to the post title,

Life is about creating yourself, not finding yourself.

I discovered this on some random comment on TikTok posts, and BOOM! automatically fell in love with this quote.

The point is, I want to highlight the former of the sentence— "creating yourself". As I got older, there are questions (trust me, it's always the simple ones) that keep bothering me because I don't have the answer to them. One of them is when they ask you about your hobby or maybe what you do when you are free. If I were younger, I could just tell them that I read novels; fictional, romance, supernatural-themed. But oh well, things changed, I rarely 'touch' novels now.

On the other hand, I do a lot of activities during my free time. Like, during summer (highlight: hot and sunny weather) I'd go jogging, walking around my neighborhood and also a little bit of skateboarding, play sports, camp and enjoy waterfalls. Or maybe winter, I do enjoy snowboarding especially. Or, talking about at home, sometimes I do read, write bullet journals, study or play my ukulele, or even edit some random videos I take when I travel. The thing is..... my hobby isn't fixed to one JUST LIKE MY FYP which had led to me being an average person with no 'stand-out characteristics'. This is how I see myself; I admit that I can do a lot of things but I am excellent at none.

I do feel insecure and anxious being around those who have passions, are excellent at something and have clear visions of their life considering that I am all the opposite. It'll go like, "why am I good at none?" "how to stick to one and excel in it?" etc. But then, as I came across this quote, I realized, life is all about creating myself. "Maybe I am not the one who is specialized in one thing, but I can do a lot of things. I don't need to be like others, I can be myself." Maybe I can just say, "I do a lot during my leisure time" and not be insecure about it. This is my identity, I chose to be like this, they can't say otherwise, right?

Well? I could just say that, but deep down, I still have the urge to create an identity that makes me more visible to others. Not for impressing others (but if it does, well, good though), but for my own satisfaction... It's just my mindset that being extremely good at something will be a good identity instead of can do anything but excelling at none. So yea, I'll try my best to create the best version of myself for the sake of my future (; Toward a better self!

Side Notes: Harry Potter also chose to be in Gryffindor although the Sorting Hat had also offered Slytherin... I can choose too :p

It's almost winter and I'm freezing (not yet till death, at least.) But right now, it is currently raining outside and the weird thing is, the rain doesn't make it cooler, but it makes it warmer. Usually, around this week, nights here would be around 3-5 degrees Celcius; but tonight, it is differentー12 degrees Celcius. Oh yeah, it is already December.

Honestly, 2021 is indeed like a roller coaster to me. Too many things happened, I felt like they had happened years ago but actually they're all in the same year. From graduating prep school, waiting for the university admittance for degree result, entering university and having online classes for one semester, moving into Japan, and currently finishing my second semester for my first year here.

January- February.

I must say 2021 really taught me to not rely on others; to move on your own. When I was in the last semester of my prep school, I did almost all thing along. I remember having a kind of not-so-called "Motivation Day", (at least what they called) where everyone needed to make a group presentation, and yes it was splendid. Some even performed musical theatre, dikir barat, and sort of things like that. So naturally everyone will take pics as memories at the end of the program and that was what they didーtook pictures together with other group members and all, had chit-chats and there was me, all alone. I tried to find anyone who was free that time to like, greet them? To talk about how great the day was? But I couldn't find any. I decided to go back into my room and walk alone, hahaha no worries, I already got used to it.

Due to Covid-19, as we all know there was a time that we couldn't even go back to our campus around 2020(?) and actually that was the "turning" point when I realized that I almost have nobody to pour things out. I mean like, yes I have this kind of small circle like if I want to share about this thing I'd go to this person, if the other thing, I'd go to another. But it was like seasonal, and also I'm the type of person who easily gives up on another person so I'll just go and walk away. I know it suuuucks, and I admit it. My ego is higher than Mt. Fuji, I had a hard time asking questions to people regarding things I don't understand well in my studies. But still, I made it. I graduated from the prep school; a journey of learning Physics, Chemistry, Maths in Japanese and Japanese Language itself. I did it.

March.

I think my result was average, not so bad. But it wasn't that good to be accepted into my first-choice university in Japan. Yes, I managed to enroll in my second-choice university, but I think I got scammed. Everyone who's close to me should know that I have been longing into studying Information Technology, which was why I applied for OOOO University as my first choice; because they offered Cyber Security. And it turned out I got rejected and I guess my luck was bad, I needed to change my "field" into Mechanical Engineering. I know, it is hard especially for a girl. The worst case is, I don't even like Physics (but I do enjoy its existence though,....)

April- September.

There are 7 students from Malaysia along with me enrolled in this university this year. Haters would say, "Oh, you should be grateful. You'll have so many friends there, you won't be lonely." Sike. All of them ARE BOYS, who I barely talked to even during my prep school. But of course, we're good good, but it is just like, you know, as my ego is higher than Mt. Fuji, so yep, it is hard for me to reach out for them. Oh, and a girl too, but that is another case. She's in another department, though. So I spent the first-semester studying engineering in the Japanese Language at a Japanese University, I struggled a lot to be honest. My mind was in Japan already but my body was yet still in Malaysia. If you're wondering why, it's because until now, Japan has not opened its border for foreigners yet, but since our countries have like that kind of "diplomatic relationship"? we're finally able to enter Japan starting our second semester. Yay, what a relief.

October- now.

I'm hanging in there, don't worry. The good things still happen to me even though I barely make Japanese friends here because I only attend online classes. But thanks to the International Centre's Club, I made some but obviously they aren't from my department, barely in the same batch like me, but I'm beyond grateful for that. Most of them are seniors (if we're talking about the year in uni) but they're mostly around my age; 20 and 21. So, I think it'll take some time to fully adapt to the current situationーliving alone in a country you've never been to before, and they're using a language which you just learned a few years ago, lol. Honestly speaking, I feel like a real adult, taking care of my meals by myself, having my own apartment, saving up electricity because I'm afraid I'll be broke to pay the bills, and all. Pray for me, I hope it'll end well.

Thank you for reading, hope you are enjoying your 2021 too :)

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