The Untold Stories

Hi fellas! It has been a long time, huh... I've always wanted to write more in this space but I just don't have the urge to spend my time here. I don't really care if people pay attention to my writing though, in fact, I would be really humbled to the earth (read: shy) if those people in real life found me ranting here because I think my writing just doesn't reflect who I am in reality. Well, if you are one of my mutuals or we had met before, just keep reading, don't tell me anything or, let's pretend that irl me isn't the same person haha.

Life is just great lately, and I've spent most of my leisure time watching TikTok as I am currently on my semester break. If you are on TikTok too, you will understand how TikTok's algorithm works, and fun fact! My For You Page (FYP) isn't fixed to any... Sometimes, it'd be Japanese content, or maybe some Jedag Jedug rempit content :') And lately, most of them will be English content. I am not complaining though, as each of those gives me input, and helps me reflect on who I am. As for the answer to the post title,

Life is about creating yourself, not finding yourself.

I discovered this on some random comment on TikTok posts, and BOOM! automatically fell in love with this quote.

The point is, I want to highlight the former of the sentence— "creating yourself". As I got older, there are questions (trust me, it's always the simple ones) that keep bothering me because I don't have the answer to them. One of them is when they ask you about your hobby or maybe what you do when you are free. If I were younger, I could just tell them that I read novels; fictional, romance, supernatural-themed. But oh well, things changed, I rarely 'touch' novels now.

On the other hand, I do a lot of activities during my free time. Like, during summer (highlight: hot and sunny weather) I'd go jogging, walking around my neighborhood and also a little bit of skateboarding, play sports, camp and enjoy waterfalls. Or maybe winter, I do enjoy snowboarding especially. Or, talking about at home, sometimes I do read, write bullet journals, study or play my ukulele, or even edit some random videos I take when I travel. The thing is..... my hobby isn't fixed to one JUST LIKE MY FYP which had led to me being an average person with no 'stand-out characteristics'. This is how I see myself; I admit that I can do a lot of things but I am excellent at none.

I do feel insecure and anxious being around those who have passions, are excellent at something and have clear visions of their life considering that I am all the opposite. It'll go like, "why am I good at none?" "how to stick to one and excel in it?" etc. But then, as I came across this quote, I realized, life is all about creating myself. "Maybe I am not the one who is specialized in one thing, but I can do a lot of things. I don't need to be like others, I can be myself." Maybe I can just say, "I do a lot during my leisure time" and not be insecure about it. This is my identity, I chose to be like this, they can't say otherwise, right?

Well? I could just say that, but deep down, I still have the urge to create an identity that makes me more visible to others. Not for impressing others (but if it does, well, good though), but for my own satisfaction... It's just my mindset that being extremely good at something will be a good identity instead of can do anything but excelling at none. So yea, I'll try my best to create the best version of myself for the sake of my future (; Toward a better self!

Side Notes: Harry Potter also chose to be in Gryffindor although the Sorting Hat had also offered Slytherin... I can choose too :p

It's almost winter and I'm freezing (not yet till death, at least.) But right now, it is currently raining outside and the weird thing is, the rain doesn't make it cooler, but it makes it warmer. Usually, around this week, nights here would be around 3-5 degrees Celcius; but tonight, it is differentー12 degrees Celcius. Oh yeah, it is already December.

Honestly, 2021 is indeed like a roller coaster to me. Too many things happened, I felt like they had happened years ago but actually they're all in the same year. From graduating prep school, waiting for the university admittance for degree result, entering university and having online classes for one semester, moving into Japan, and currently finishing my second semester for my first year here.

January- February.

I must say 2021 really taught me to not rely on others; to move on your own. When I was in the last semester of my prep school, I did almost all thing along. I remember having a kind of not-so-called "Motivation Day", (at least what they called) where everyone needed to make a group presentation, and yes it was splendid. Some even performed musical theatre, dikir barat, and sort of things like that. So naturally everyone will take pics as memories at the end of the program and that was what they didーtook pictures together with other group members and all, had chit-chats and there was me, all alone. I tried to find anyone who was free that time to like, greet them? To talk about how great the day was? But I couldn't find any. I decided to go back into my room and walk alone, hahaha no worries, I already got used to it.

Due to Covid-19, as we all know there was a time that we couldn't even go back to our campus around 2020(?) and actually that was the "turning" point when I realized that I almost have nobody to pour things out. I mean like, yes I have this kind of small circle like if I want to share about this thing I'd go to this person, if the other thing, I'd go to another. But it was like seasonal, and also I'm the type of person who easily gives up on another person so I'll just go and walk away. I know it suuuucks, and I admit it. My ego is higher than Mt. Fuji, I had a hard time asking questions to people regarding things I don't understand well in my studies. But still, I made it. I graduated from the prep school; a journey of learning Physics, Chemistry, Maths in Japanese and Japanese Language itself. I did it.

March.

I think my result was average, not so bad. But it wasn't that good to be accepted into my first-choice university in Japan. Yes, I managed to enroll in my second-choice university, but I think I got scammed. Everyone who's close to me should know that I have been longing into studying Information Technology, which was why I applied for OOOO University as my first choice; because they offered Cyber Security. And it turned out I got rejected and I guess my luck was bad, I needed to change my "field" into Mechanical Engineering. I know, it is hard especially for a girl. The worst case is, I don't even like Physics (but I do enjoy its existence though,....)

April- September.

There are 7 students from Malaysia along with me enrolled in this university this year. Haters would say, "Oh, you should be grateful. You'll have so many friends there, you won't be lonely." Sike. All of them ARE BOYS, who I barely talked to even during my prep school. But of course, we're good good, but it is just like, you know, as my ego is higher than Mt. Fuji, so yep, it is hard for me to reach out for them. Oh, and a girl too, but that is another case. She's in another department, though. So I spent the first-semester studying engineering in the Japanese Language at a Japanese University, I struggled a lot to be honest. My mind was in Japan already but my body was yet still in Malaysia. If you're wondering why, it's because until now, Japan has not opened its border for foreigners yet, but since our countries have like that kind of "diplomatic relationship"? we're finally able to enter Japan starting our second semester. Yay, what a relief.

October- now.

I'm hanging in there, don't worry. The good things still happen to me even though I barely make Japanese friends here because I only attend online classes. But thanks to the International Centre's Club, I made some but obviously they aren't from my department, barely in the same batch like me, but I'm beyond grateful for that. Most of them are seniors (if we're talking about the year in uni) but they're mostly around my age; 20 and 21. So, I think it'll take some time to fully adapt to the current situationーliving alone in a country you've never been to before, and they're using a language which you just learned a few years ago, lol. Honestly speaking, I feel like a real adult, taking care of my meals by myself, having my own apartment, saving up electricity because I'm afraid I'll be broke to pay the bills, and all. Pray for me, I hope it'll end well.

Thank you for reading, hope you are enjoying your 2021 too :)

Hello, it's me again~! Aaaaah it has been a month since I moved into Japan. How fast time flies?? I remember being so nervous to settle all the documents needed before my flight... And 16 days quarantine in Chuo-city, Tokyo. And then moving into my [6-months-apartment] near my campus! Honestly, it was really challenging because, in this area, my batchmates and I are the only Malaysians (we will move into a new area, same with our seniors after 6 months, which is why we'll stay here during this period only).

Oh, actually Japan's border hasn't opened yet for foreigners and also international students, but since Japan and Malaysia have a diplomatic relationship, we're allowed to enter Japan with strict control from the government. Like, we spent almost 5 hours at Narita Airport because we needed to attend all the checkpoints for people who come outside from Japan. I think there were 8 checkpoints.....? Which include document-checking, saliva tests, installing applications needed and immigration checks.

It was tiring though, but I think it is actually a great experience.

[The airport vibes at Narita Airport lol]

This is how it looks like! My room was at floor 10 btw

16 days quarantine! Was super lonely. I didn't get to lepak with all my friends and just stayed in the room. The food was prepared by our sponsor so we didn't have to go out to get our food; they were sent right in front of our hotel rooms' doors. (I'm grateful for this) The room was quite spacious for one person to stay in, and the facilities were tip-top. TV, bathtub, hairdryer, microwave, kitchen, washing machine and dryer―I felt like at home!

I didn't really feel homesick at that time because the food was prepared by Malaysian cooks, so they still had Malaysian vibes. Nasi goreng, nasi putih ayam kicap, roti canai.... uh. But the most shocking thing that I still can't accept until now is that Japan is only one hour ahead of Malaysia but the day and night rotation is faster. Subh prayer now is at 4.30 am, and by before 6 am, the sun already rises. The same goes for the night, Maghrib prayer here (Japan) is around 5 pm, Isha' is around 6.30 pm. There were times that I "accidentally skipped" the prayer time though.... 😐

Not to forget I did experience my very first EARTHQUAKE during quarantine OMG, yes AND IT WAS ACTUALLY QUITE STRONG; about 6.0 magnitude. 7th October 2021, it was at 10.40+ pm and I was doing my work when suddenly I felt like my table swayed a little bit. I thought it was just a small earthquake but it got stronger and at one point I felt like riding a 6D seat in a horror cinema (obviously because I sat on the chair lol) But since I came unprepared, I didn't know what to do😓 I just sat on the floor because I didn't sure if I should sit under the table or not haha. Everyone panicked at that time and messages kept coming through WhatsApp (haha). Luckily everyone in my hotel building was safe.

So, that's all for now! I'll continue later in next post, where I started living on my own!

Ciao, buongiorno! (Hello, good morning!) /or good afternoon, evening, night.....

I've been busy relaxing lately because it's still summer break for me, and I will start a new semester in approximately two weeks from now. I'm still waiting for the embassy in Tokyo to contact us whether we can or not to enter Japan by this end of the month. Everything will go well, hopefully!

So, I recently turned 20 on 11th Sept. It was splendid, I guess. I received a lot of loves, long-a*s appreciation texts that I really love to read, and had a small celebration with my little family. I meant, it was my best birthday ever after pursuing higher education. And it was my first time too celebrating it with my family because I used to study in boarding school, and then went straight into university, which means I had been celebrating my birthdays with my high school or univerity friends.

Not to forget I think I made new Japanese friends too (??) Well, as Japan's timezone is GMT+9, and we're GMT+8, they are ahead by one hour. And this one friend of mine literally wished before 12 o'clock in Malaysia through Line because it's already passed 12 in Japan. Aww, she's so preciousー she even helped me a lot in studies. With that, I guess she's the first wisher? I actually didn't expect that honestly, because we didn't talk much during our summer break. I still appreciate it though, thank you :)

(Translation: Fatin, it's your birthday today?? Congrats! It's still corona and we can't meet each other yet, but we're waiting you to come to Japan and join us for classes. May you have a great year ahead)

And I kind of received some parcels and deliveries for my birthday from friends (And four ~~freaking~~ bouquets from family lol) hahah, thank you for making me blessed. Although I feel like am far away from my friends lately... The fact that they did put effort to make me happy on my birthday, I'm more than grateful and couldn't ask for more. Even if they just sent me simple birthday wishes, even a birthday sticker, it really made my day. Oh and I noticed this year I think it's a new trend where people give songs recommendation during my birthday, and I think they're so sweet :(

"Walaupun kita tak selalu berborak, tapi, aku nak cakap, I am happy and proud to see you have come this far, ..." ーMyshoe.

Above all, I think it's important to realize that even if someone do not wish you for your birthday, it doesn't mean that they don't care about you. People are just too busy with their lives, and we all have our own priorities. But just to keep it to yourself, people do care about you. When the time comes, they'll show. (Or maybe not, lol). So, I hope this year will be a better year for me, you and us!

Thank you for spending your time here! Take care, till then!

A semester passed. A year has two semesters in total, there are 4 years to complete degree. Each semester has like 4 months. Oh don't mind me, I'm just counting days to survive. With covid-19 around, it feels suffocating. I used to be excited to experience studying abroad, but now it feels somehow burdening. Especially when you're learning science subjects in your third language. I'm still stucked in Malaysia, because Japan has not open their border for foreigner yet. Of course I can't blame Olympics for happening as it is important for their economy. Maybe it just happens at the wrong time, I guess.

So, yep! Things happen. My first semester in summary, was like a roller coaster! Starting from my entrance ceremony, I was so sad because I couldn't meet other universities mates. Of course I was excited too as an international student😜 Long story short, these days, there is this one "culture" where Japanese find their universities friends on Twitter using some kind of hashtag #春からOO大学 which means [#OOUniversityFromSpring]. But what's weirder, most of them will make new accounts just for finding uni-friends, but, by staying anonymous. Yes, ma'am yes, if in Malaysia, we often want to stay away from our uni-friends, but in this situation, they are on the other side.

And then, a day after ceremony, I already attended our classes through Zoom. I was given like three weeks (?) to decide what course I'll be taking in the semester to collect credits. There are subjects which have 2 credits, and also 1 credit. I took 15 classes/ subjects in total for the first semester. I'm not sure about how Malaysia universities' credit system but this is how it sounds like in Japan.

TMI: So this is how my schedule looks like (don't judge my Excel timetable haha). The white ones are the core (must-sit) subjects, the coloured ones are additional subjects.

Throughout my first semester, doing assignments alone isn't helping at all. I have literally no one to discuss with, especially when I am the only Malaysian student in my class. My other Malaysian-mates are in other classes though. There are a lot of things that I need to check, confirm, re-study the materials given, understand the question and solve. Wow, I've did this far. I did it, even alone. One of my flex, I must say. Despite of having continuous breakdowns, I managed to submit assignments before the deadline :D

Japanese friend? Who's that? Just kidding. Of course I managed to make some friends. Or at least, I consider them as friends. Like, maybe...one? Who I can ask about what's happening and so on but I think there's still barrier between us. As an introvert, making friends is really hard. I have to admit that there are a lot of chances to talk in breakout rooms during classes, but they'll be talking all in Japanese and I think my Japanese level isn't that advanced to speak comfortably with them. It's just, I can understand about what they're talking to some extent, but I can't reply freely what's in my mind. Some of you all might want to say "just talk, they'll understand your situation", oh okay, I don't even have any ideas what to talk about. Introvert things. I can only imagine situations, like writing in this blog, bestie :)

Kind of glad that this semester has come to its end, and I'll be having about 2 months free before continuing my second semester on October. And also, I hope we'll be able to enter Japan real soon because I just can't keep up online lectures haha. Thank you for reading, have a nice day ahead! <3

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